Inspired by Jamaica Kincaid’s Girl

To the Woman Who Doesn’t

Just clean under your nails.

Just condition, rinse, repeat.

Just don’t rub under your eyes; wrinkles, you know.


Just one hour of cardio a day.

Just 30 minutes of toning a day.

Just 3 reps of 20 sit ups a day.

Just 2 reps of 10 push ups a day; prevents sagging breasts, you know.


Just drink a glass of milk a day.

Just drink eight glasses of water a day.

Just sip one glass of red a day.

Just eat one cup of broccoli a day.

Just eat one bowl of blueberries a day; after all, they’re antioxidants; prevents wrinkles, you know.


Just avoid corn syrup each day.

Just avoid carbs each day.

Just avoid sugar each day.

Just don’t eat too much meat each day.

Just follow Zone or Paleo each day.

It’s really just 1200 calories each day; you don’t want that ugly middle age spread, you know.


Just a little color to hide your gray every day.

Just five minutes of bleach to whiten your teeth every day.

Just a little mascara to enlarge your eyes every day.

Just some blush to redden your cheeks every day.

Just a chem peel to hide the age spots every day.

It’s just the first layer of skin you peel off; just admit it, you’re getting old; you need to hide those wrinkles, you know.


Just a little laser to zap your spider veins every day.

Just a little brazilian to make you look 14 every day.

Just a little botox to open your face every day.

Just a little implant to raise your breasts every day.

Just a little suction to stop that pooch every day.

Just a little vaginal rejuvenation to make it new; you know that too ages every day.

Let’s face it, you’re aging; you don’t want him to leave you, you know.